im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
