The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i was born a porn star she said
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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