running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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