Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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