Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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