Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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