Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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