if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Randomize
