he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
