I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
