Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
