Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
