remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
