I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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