Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize