I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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