Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
