I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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