wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
