mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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