Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
