If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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