If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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