He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
