Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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