new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
