Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
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