Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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