My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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