Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
