woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
