All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
