I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
