I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
