the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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