I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
