You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
