saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
