just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm both gender and math confused
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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