I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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