how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
