Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
