life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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