Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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