Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
