i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
