Define "chronic" masturbator.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
