This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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