Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
