Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
