Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My dick has a subreddit
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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