My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
