I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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