When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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