nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
