remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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