You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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