I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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