It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
